Why Unmarried Christians Are Having Sex

With so many single adults deciding that abstinence is unrealistic, perhaps the church’s message about sexual purity is incomplete.

Remember the days when Christians used to blush over conversations about sex? Sermons on the Song of Solomon left us avoiding eye contact with our pastors and safe sex talks in public school meant guaranteed giggling after class. I guess we’re all grown up now. The generation of kids who once kissed dating goodbye and held fast to the promise that True Love Waits is no longer hanging its moral hat on the hook of sexual purity.

According to the National Association of Evangelicals, 80 percent of unmarried evangelical Christians between ages 18-29 admit to having had premarital sex, a shocking figure when measured against the number of pledges made in youth ministries and wristbands worn endorsing abstinence around the country throughout the late ’80s and early ’90s. For a generation fed a steady diet of “just wait until you’re married for sex,” why are so many of us losing our virginity before we say “I do”? What is causing the growing chasm between our Christian belief and sexual purity?

I suspect much of our early understanding of sexuality is at fault, being reduced to just saying no instead of developing a holistic view of human sexuality through a person’s entire lifespan, fully integrating it with God’s plan.

Compartmentalizing Sexuality

When I moved to New York City in the years following college, I was devastated to learn how many of my Christian friends were regularly hooking up at bars and sleeping with boyfriends and girlfriends with no plans for marriage. And more than that, they didn’t seem to feel bad about it. The subcultural sentiment was that abstinence is worth preaching through the college years as parental influence wanes and students bumble through the early years of adulthood. But for twenty and thirtysomething Christians, for mature adults who had yet to find the one and had been battling hormones for a decade-plus, waiting was child’s play. Celibacy amongst my Christian peer group was viewed as cute and commendable, but certainly not crucial.

Despite the disappointment I felt over my friends’ behavior, there wasn’t much room for judgment. At the core they were simply living out the compartmentalization of sexuality that was also present in my heart. From the day I received my True Love Waits Bible in junior high school, I locked up my sexual desire to be opened only in case of marriage. Like Prisca Bird wrote for the Good Women Project, I wore my virginity as a badge of honor, latching onto “the image of myself as the radical abstinence practitioner” and one who would remain chaste to “fight the good fight.” I was unable to view human sexuality as a gift, holy and blessed by God. By failing to embrace my sexual identity in the midst of tempering my desire, I inadvertently called evil what God had deemed good.

You see, promiscuity and abstinence can be two sides of the same coin. Both can hint at an insufficient understanding of God’s intention for sex, his blessing of it in the context of marriage, and his creation of his people as sexual beings. So preaching only abstinence is not the answer.

Harder Than the Olympics

We need a new conversation around sexuality in the church — one that doesn’t insist on the wait without the while. We need a conversation that acknowledges our sexuality along a continuum and prepares men and women of Christ to engage in their own sexual development, desire, and growth while they move throughout the seasons of life and relationship. It can’t be left at telling 15-year-olds to “just say no.” We need an open discussion around what it looks like to abstain at 33 when marriage is nowhere on the horizon or at 27 when engaged and just days from saying I do.

That’s why it’s helpful to have a new wave of Christians coming forward to reengage the public on the topics of sexuality and faith. This past May, when 29-year-old Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones talked about the difficulty of being a virgin into her late twenties, saying it was the hardest thing she’s ever done in her life — “harder than training for the Olympics” — we could almost hear the shouts of “could the Church get an Amen!” (See the video below.)

Jones’ acknowledgment of the tension of feeling sexual desire while also affirming a commitment to abstinence revealed an important dynamic in the vow of purity: it’s not easy. There will be temptation and desire while waiting. But as believers, we endure the struggle because we know that the testing of our faith always produces perseverance leading to godly character and a hope for the future (James 1:3, Romans 5:4).

Good Enough to Wait For

On the flipside, there can be joyful anticipation while waiting. One of the best examples in recent years of this is bombshell actress Meagan Good, who has long since been a movie vixen playing sexy roles in Jumping the Broom and most recently Think Like A Man. This spring Good, a Christian, publicly shared her commitment to abstain from sex until she wed her Seventh Day Adventist pastor and film executive husband DeVon Franklin. Despite her commitment, for the past year she has been able to exude sex appeal onscreen. Chastity doesn’t have to mean wearing a habit and ignoring our sexual identity. Though we exercise self-control, as responsible adults we are free to tap into our sexuality, own our appeal, and recognize our desire. Good’s story shows us that true love doesn’t wait; it develops.

Christian adults must carry on the conversation of abstinence to the next phase. It’s not just a youth issue. If we could more openly discuss the tingling we feel, the occasional knockout attraction we have to the opposite sex or the times where our sex drives lull, I believe we might find that we’re able to maintain purity much later into adulthood. Because when we don’t talk about it, we allow the normal ebb and flow of sexual desire to become associated with shame and guilt over what we’re experiencing. And since the desire won’t go away, we’re forced to relieve the shame by separating our morality from our behavior.

We’ve got to get talking and see ourselves afresh as sexual beings, moving gradually and prayerfully through stages of sexual expression until marriage where it’s fulfilled. Because “not yet” is much easier to digest than “no.” Our sexuality, today, is an integral part of who God has created us to be, and like all things must be celebrated while also put in submission to Christ.

Recommended Resources

For further study and reflection, Chanel suggests these books (and website):

Song of Solomon (live on the wild side and read it using The Message)

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman

Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together by Mark and Grace Driscoll

A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue by Wendy Shalit

Good Women Project (this month is dedicated to the topic of sex)

Editor’s Note: Chanel married her soulmate, Lanre Dokun, last month.

About the author, Chanel Graham

Chanel Graham is a New York-based freelance writer and a pop culture editor for UrbanFaith. She is also the co-founder of I Kissed Dating Hello, an online community-driven site exploring the challenges and triumphs of Christian dating.
  1. Thank you for this article. I have been praticing abstinence for a year and a half after the end of my marriage and I will abstain until marriage. As someone with a high desire and sexuality, it is my hope and prayer to find a man who shares similar beliefs.

    • So what’s your answer for those who will never be allowed to marry? Many people will never be given a spouse, Christ himself said so… how are they supposed to deal with that issue? Just going to tell them that it will never happen, so they just don’t get to enjoy that particular gift from God? They’re not lucky enough? Not blessed enough? This is a serious issue, and I see the church very rarily has the guts to confront it. Instead they flaunt their marriages around and give those who are to be made eunuchs (many may not even know that’s their destiny) false statements about waiting for the right one. Yet there is no right one for many… so they wait… and die? It’s a wonder the modern church still exists…

      • I have to say that Travis has a point. When I was younger, I promised that I would wait until marriage before having sex, and I wanted to wait for the right one. Fast forward nearly twenty years later I’m pushing 40, still a virgin, and still unmarried; meanwhile my siblings who I know for a fact indulged in premarital sex have now settled down. If I wasn’t such a sexual being (and yes, I can admit that I do have urges), I wouldn’t have minded, but unfortunately I am, and even the bible says that if you can’t control your urges, you should marry, and I’m not going to marry anybody simply for the sake of it, am I? I saw so many of my relationships break down because I refused to go all the way with them, but some of them are now married with children while I’m still single, and as Travis rightfully said, some people in church so selfishly rub it in with their own marriages – I actually stopped going to church because of that. So many people have prayed for me over this, but it hasn’t happened, and now people are laughing at me. Maybe I should just sod it and finally have sex because I’m tired of saving my virginity for somebody who will never come…

        • Jemma, even in your frustration, your post is a real blessing. It’s real and reflects my struggle too. Your courage and straight-forward statement is refreshing. I am glad this forum is a place for us to dealing sincerely with these matters.

        • I relate Jemma, I am a woman that just turned 40 a few days ago, been where you are but now I realize that if I disobey God just because He has not blessed me with a partner yet, I will be telling God that I do not trust Him with my life. I am still trusting God for a husband and children of my own. Meantime I will keep walking in faithfulness.

          • This is good, Joy. Thank you. In addition dating has never been easy nor frequent 4 me. I’ve often enjoyed life and my own company (and friends & loved ones) without continually dating. I can attest, though, that the person who I was in a dating relationship back in 2008 ended up respecting me deeply after I left him for not exercising boundaries as it related to a female “friend” of his continually intruding in our relationship and also because we hadn’t had intercourse. The last guy I dated in October 2012, I didn’t even let him know where I lived. i figured that as a single lady looking out for my safety & preserving my personal space both literally and physically, there was no need for dude to be over here until we had at best developed trust and friendship. If the relationship was going nowhere fast, why rush to reveal my residence? I didn’t bother to continue seeing the guy & it saved me a lot of energy. I have also begun to believe that it is wise to date at least one or two other gentlemen within the same timeframe. NOT to get physically intimate with each of them, but to have options of personality, character, hobblies, looks, etc. to compare. While each gent is unique and you can appreciate each one’s uniqueness, you will also be practicing your communication skills and honing your ability to recognize quality without mistakenly getting too emotionally attached to one guy too soon. Would you buy the first house or car you saw? Would you pick the very first college you thought of? NO!! So why do we tend to do that with dating relationships??

        • I am 25 years old and is still a virgin. What I don’t understand is that it is always said it’s wrong to have sex before marriage , then wouldn’t it be fair to not get those urges until marriage as well?

        • Those who wait for God will not be mocked b/c our God cannot be mocked. Why then would be allow His children to be. I’m only 20, but I also have a high sex drive and have people think I’m silly for waiting. I just want to encourage you. Your body is worth more than settling, which is what you sound like you want to do. You’re closer to what God has for you than you realize.
          Your waiting has inspired me! :)

        • @Jemma and Travis, you just hit the nail on the head for me! Finally, I got to see others who feel exactly what I feel. Sex (just the physical part) has many proven health benefits and personally, I often feel left out by God because I haven’t found “the one”. I sometimes even feel punished because I’m not supposed to reap the physical benefits of sex like the married folks get to enjoy. At least not without feeling guilty about it later. Though many married Christians do seem to rub their marriages in our faces we have to remember that things aren’t always what they seem. Sometimes when people have something to prove, they really have something to hide. Also, just because people marry doesn’t mean they have done so by God’s will. We live in a free society and marriage is a CHOICE. People often marry the wrong person, at the wrong time or for the wrong reasons. I believe that marrying outside of God’s will can be just as spiritually detrimental as having sex outside of marriage (God’s will)

          Thanks for your posts

        • Jemma I realized early on after 5 boyfriends broke up with me within weeks of dating me that saving myself till marriage was a deal breaker for them. I lived in a little uptight southern baptist town so I thought finding a man who would wait with me surely wouldn’t be a problem but obviously I was wrong. Even the preacher teaching these teachings hadn’t waited till marriage. So I gave up because apparently we are just teaching empty teachings that even the preacher himself can’t practice. I don’t know why we are even preaching this anymore. Obviously no one is taking it seriously. I am 22 and still a virgin but I have stopped trying. Now I just want my first time to be with someone I am comfortable and in love with. I am sorry things have been rough for you.

          • I just got married two weeks ago. I’m 23 and I waited until marriage. I’ll be honest. I thought.. ugh this would be easier/smoother if I had more experience. But, it’s been amazing learning each other together and growing sexually. Our time of intimacy together was worth the wait. Stay strong and be encouraged.

          • Dear JannJann; do not despair. Many claim to follow Christ but do not obey His Word. As we get nearer to His return, “people will no longer put up with sound doctrine.” Please find mature believers who can encourage you to continue in obedience. If 5 or 55 ask you to sleep with them or otherwise engage in sexual immorality against God’s command, don’t be swayed. It matters not what they say. What matters is remaining obedient to Christ. Devote yourself to knowing and obeying Christ. When I was 22 I wanted to marry soon, but marriage (and sex) was for many years an idol for me. I am now 33, and still pray for a godly marriage, but my hands are open now. I want to walk in obedience to Christ so that I will be a wise virgin preparing for my bridegroom, Jesus Christ. Though many have fallen and will fall away–please hold to Christ and not be one of them. You don’t have to be alone. Ask God for older women of strong faith to disciple you and encourage you along the way. The Church is meant to help each other to follow Christ more obediently. If your peers are telling you to give in, consider Rehoboam, 4th king of Israel (son of Solomon). He received advice from his elders and the peers he grew up with. The elders gave him good advice, but his peers did not. He followed the advice of his peer advisors, which resulted in 10 of the tribes rebelling from him. Please don’t make his mistake. Surround yourself with people who actually consider the LORD worthy of our obedience. I am also unmarried and 33.

      • Travis-thank you for the courage in the questions you have asked. They are the questions that are rolling around in every single Christian’s heart and mind. If I could agree with you more than 100% I would. One of the largest problems-that I feel strongly about-is the dominance of a church culture that spends so much time talking about marriage and children, and spends little-if any-time on singles. Makes us feel like we don’t belong. We are not encouraged to be who we are-the soldiers who are ‘unencumbered’ and can march into battle without having to please a spouse. That being said-we have to come to grips with another aspect of who we are. We are His. The sheep of HIS pasture. We are the clay, He is the Potter. In America, a place full of microwaves and ATM’s, we are used to getting what we want when we want it. Even the church. But we are ‘Christ-ones.’ We are called to bring Him glory-even when it’s the most difficult thing in the world to do. We are His-it’s His call if and when we marry. We don’t want to hear it. I know I don’t! But here’s what else I know: I know He loves us. Died for us. Won’t ever leave us. Start figuring out, Christ-one, what it is He wants you to do. What your marching orders are. Go do it to the best of your ability. Love Him with your whole heart. Laser focus on His call. Let the rest of it go. No, really-let it go. Lean on your brothers and sisters and let them help you with your burdens-you’re not supposed to carry by yourself anyway. Love Him. Serve Him.

      • Christ said not everyone is called to marriage, he did not say not everyone who WANTS marriage will get it. God won’t allow anyone to be tempted beyond their means. As Christians we should have enough faith to know that out Father is aware of our needs and desires, and will grant them to us if we follow His orders/will.

      • Society, Christian and secular, treats romantic love as though it is the epitome of happiness.

        I think this is part of the problem.

      • Travis, your exactly right, it is a wonder….and that’s why it exists….only by the power of God. Is the Church filled with imperfect people? Yes, and it’s only by the grace of God that we have anything good. We live in a country that has adopted an idea of privilege, like God owes us something, and the problem with that is that it’s not consistent with the Bible. God doesn’t owe us anything, and any good thing is a gift from him. You can shake your fist at God, but it doesn’t really matter because he is God and we’re not. This is a tough issue, and just because there is no clear answer to our human brains we are hardly in a position to denounce the Church because of it.

      • @ Travis. I’m still a virgin in my early 40s and have a healthy, normal sex drive. I was waiting until marriage to have sex, but I never got married. I thought I’d be married by now, but it’s not happened. I’m still waiting for marriage and still celibate. I may never get married, maybe “Mr. Right” will never appear in my life.

        It is possible to hold out this long without sex. Not easy, but possible.

        Churches across America need to fixate less on married with kids couples and invest more time and energy in helping older, single adults.

      • The word of God is clear about avoiding formnication / sex outside of marriage. Yes, wait. And before, during and after the marriage, Holy Writ commnads us to set our affections on things above, not things on the earth, where Christ sits at the right hand of God. (Colossians 3:2). Sanctify The Lord in your hearts (I Peter 3:15), i.e., cast yourself down and give Him 1st place on the alter of your heart. The key is dying to self so that God may be glorified. Get anchored in Him, use your gifts and talents for His glory, see about the needs of others …and you will be less anxious about your single situation. The rewards of obeying God beats consequences of sinning against Him anyday, just for momentary pleasure or to get a BF / GF or spouse. Some people will pay the consequences for a lifetime and find that practising self control would have been worth the wait. Is Jesus Christ enough–even if He never sends you a spouse to love? That’s one true fire that will test your faith–but one that you or I may need to learn contentment, or patience, or whatever fruit is produced to cause conformity into the image of Christ, a closer walk with God, and a blessing to others. Job learned that God was enough after his faith was severely tested. I encourage you to read about Joseph M. Scriven, writer of the hymn “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.” Google his name and history on the internet. Remember, there are others who have gone on before and left us a legacy that “Jesus Christ is enough!” I wish you the best.

  2. Pingback: Urban Faith: “Why Unmarried Christians Are Having Sex” « godlessgreg

  3. Thank you for this article! Very thoughtful and thought-provoking. And it points to something that is missing in ministering to the unmarried. And while there may be a plethora of information for the late teen to twenty-something singles, there is barely any ministering to those past that age period. Has it ever occured to anyone that maybe in God’s plan, not everyone is going to married, bear children, and grow old together? I am still waiting for someone with authority, experience, maturity and compassion and who knows what its like to be single in a world that focuses and prizes one being in a “coupled” state to really tell it like it really is for those of us in that segment of the Christian body.

  4. Pingback: Why Unmarried Christians Are Having Sex News] | Robert Irwin Blog

  5. This is a very important topic. You’re correct in saying that “Just Say No” is not enough. It is tough when you’re single and you live in such a sexualized culture such as ours. I believe a part of the problem is how individualism rules, not only in our society, but also in the Church. We don’t see each other as a part of the Body of Christ and therefore dependent on one another. We don’t hold each other up nor are we accountable to each other. There is strength in numbers. As long as we view our relationship to God as just me and Jesus then single Christians will give in to temptation. In fact, as this article states, many Believers don’t view abstinence as realistic and view “hooking up” as a normal part of life. I believe I can say, without fear of contradiction, that God is very much grieved by this.

    We must return to viewing ourselves as the Church and part of a Body. If there is sin (or weakness) in one part of the Body then the whole Body suffers because of it. The strong need to uphold the weak (See Galatians 6:1 – 2). This is just one part of what needs to be done in the Body of Christ. We have so many problems in the Church that need to be addressed. Lord help us please!

  6. Pingback: Single Christians and Sex; Muslims Turning to Christ; Ross Douthat; Eric Metaxes; Fascist Government; and Worship Ministry « ChosenRebel's Blog

  7. Great article Ms. Graham

  8. You raise important points Chanel. I can tell you, as a woman who was married and now has a young adult son myself, biblical sexuality is no joke, but can be done with the right commitment and support.

    Btw, congratulations on your marriage!!!

    • Thanks Chandra!

  9. Good article but there is a practical element to this issue as well. People got married younger 50 years ago…even 2000 years ago. A combination of factors brought about this issue today: Extended adolescence (up to 30?), more mobility, the necessity of higher education and relaxed sexual norms. People are not raising their kids to be a decent spouse anymore including Christians. I get the impression that people think that they will magically mature. Maturity is a process that requires commitment and discipline. The author is right in that there needs to be some new innovative ways of reimagining singleness from a biblical perspective.

  10. Wonderful article. Thank you for writing these important thoughts.

  11. Why unmarried Christians are having sex. Because they do not understand the importance of “waiting to know the truth about one’s self and the other.” Love consists of the physical (sensual), psychological (sentiment/emotions), values and the will. Men respond more to the sensual, women to the emotional. But these usually wane over time. Therefore, one has to be mature, able and understand the gravity of “willing the good of the other” and offering one’s self as a gift to the other for love to endure and deepen. Love does not depend on emotions or sensuality alone. True love is tested when these two are impaired and only the will to do good for the other is left. (From Love and Responsibility)

  12. I’m a Christian and find it impossible to find other Christians who believe in waiting for marriage. Just about every adult single in my congregation is sexually active and feel no guilt or remorse. Premarital sex is just so accepted and expected nowadays, and I don’t see any possibility of reversing this fact.

    • Then those “Christians” don’t understand and don’t get 1 Corinthians 6:13,
      “Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.”

      Giving prudence to the simple [Proverbs 1:4] “meats for the belly, and the belly for meats” and “the body is not for fornication” is refferring to sex to have sex and no marriage which is Sexually Immortality and puts marriage aside.

      Matthew 19:4-6
      “4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
      5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
      6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”

      Simple when a man and women choose to be together -sex doesn’t even matter- that is marriage. The problem with Common Law is it and like many sexual immortalities is the people who do this try and put marriage aside so they can just have sex.

      Though for sex before marriage is misunderstood because most don’t notice sin can be forgiven and a person has sex before marriage its not a sin forever. You can either stop having sex or get married to end the sex to have sex before marriage, for no marriage sin…

      hence why I think 1 Corinthians 6:13 says something much worse than sex before .

      • …Common Law is -like- Marriage, but people set the rules so that why when they “cheat” -Commit adultery- on you, they might think it isn’t a big deal cause we’re not actually married and for the ones who commit adultery their basically saying “I don’t love you, I love that other person that not you.”

        On Divorce, some people think that Christians shouldn’t talk about it, but where is Sexual Imortality, there is Divorce and if there was no Sexual Immorality, there would be no Divorce.
        And no when you become more as a Christ you still have control over yourselves, you don’t turn into robots, but you recieve an understanding that makes not want to do it again.

        The reason why it is written that those who commit adultery lack understanding, because if a person cheats on someone and cleaving to someone…they should get that they need to either love that person or can be divorced by the spouse who was cheated on so the non-cheating spouse can cleave to someone else without commiting adultery.

        • “23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” and some of this verses – Matthew 5:29-30, 27-28 – help realize that why not to get a Girlfriend/cleave my wife until I’ve let go my sin or else I would be practising until I get married and end up breaking my wife’s heart.

    • Hi Adrienne. I recomment you pray about leaving your congregation then, and asking God to lead to one where people want to obey. Paul told the Corinthians not to associate with those who claim to be brothers (Christians) but engage in sexual immorality.

  13. Great word! Thank you!

  14. I’m 22 years old and I am waiting until marriage. I haven’t been perfect, but it took a lot of prayer and fasting and failing to continue to wait. I’m marrying the love of my life this June and we’ve been together for 5 years. Only God has kept us, but I will say– accountability. It sucks. It’s corny. There’s no privacy, but its so necessary. Go out in public. Stay in with the parents in the house. It get’s easier. I also stopped kissing about a year ago because I had to come to acceptance that I am sexually weak. I’m in love and even kissing led to temptation. That was the hardest thing and it’s necessary for everyone. Ask God and be honest with yourself. Pray. Fast. You may make mistakes, but repent and move on. Keep your eye on the prize!

    • Keisha! I’m not sure if you’re still on here, but would it be possible to talk to you? I’m in a similar situation but am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with the temptations. Kissing isn’t even a factor, we knew it would be a problem from the get go so we avoided it from the start but I’d love some advice and prayer! if you could e mail me that’d be great! (mmw11c@my.fsu.edu)

  15. This article, along with the associated comments, is in all likelihood the most disturbing thing I have read in a long time. I beg you ALL to please read the Bible. It is plainly clear on this subject . . .

    Please know that my heart is broken and “knowing the fear of the Lord, [I] persuade others.” (2 Corinthians 5:11)

    2 Corinthians 13:5 (ESV)
    Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!

    Acts 15:20 (NASB)
    but that we write to them that they abstain from things contaminated by idols and from fornication and from what is strangled and from blood.

    Ephesians 5:1-14 (NKJV)
    Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.

    3 But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; 4 neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. 5 For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 7 Therefore do not be partakers with them.

    8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), 10 finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. 11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret. 13 But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light. 14 Therefore He says:

    “Awake, you who sleep,
    Arise from the dead,
    And Christ will give you light.”

    Galatians 5:19-26 (NKJV)
    19 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

    22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. 24 And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

    1 Corinthians 6:9-20 (NKJV)
    9 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.

    12 All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. 13 Foods for the stomach and the stomach for foods, but God will destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 And God both raised up the Lord and will also raise us up by His power.

    15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! 16 Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.” 17 But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.

    18 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.

    Romans 6 (ESV)
    What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? 2 By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? 3 Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4 We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

    5 For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. 6 We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. 7 For one who has died has been set free from sin. 8 Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9 We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. 10 For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. 11 So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

    12 Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. 13 Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. 14 For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.

    15 What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16 Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17 But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, 18 and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. 19 I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.

    20 For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. 21 But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. 22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

    2 Corinthians 7:10 (ESV)
    10 For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.

    Acts 17:30-31 (ESV)
    30 The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, 31 because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed; and of this he has given assurance to all by raising him from the dead.”

    Matthew 7:21-23 (ESV)
    21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ 23 And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

    Ephesians 2:1-3 (ESV)
    And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

    Mark 1:15 (ESV)
    “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.”

    Jude 1:22-24 (ESV)
    23 save others by snatching them out of the fire; to others show mercy with fear, hating even the garment stained by the flesh.

    24 Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy,


    I fear that those who would claim to be followers of Christ, yet are caught up in the sin of fornication, are showing themselves to be false converts. (This goes for pornography as well — see Matthew 5:28) Instead of being tempted to follow down the path of your friends, you should be witnessing to them and praying that . . .

    God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will. (2 Timothy 2:25-26)


      • Yes, of course, we all make mistakes . . .
        1 John 1:8-10
        8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

        However, as a Christian, our lives cannot be marked by a lifestyle of sin . . .
        1 John 1:6-7
        6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

        Clearly being guilty of fornication (or adultery for that matter) does not necessarily equate to false conversion, however, living a lifestyle of fornication does give reason for others to make a righteous judgement (John 7:24). As I said, regarding the situations described in the article, and the subsequent comments, “I fear” that they might be false converts. But as God’s Word says, “man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

        Please hear in my comments that I don’t seek to judge these people, but instead my concern is that since they don’t even display “the sorrow of the world [which] produces death,” much less “godly sorrow [which] produces repentance leading to salvation,” (2 Cor 7:10), they need to be confronted with the Word of God. And in it God says, “Say to them, As I live, declares the Lord God, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live; turn back, turn back from your evil ways, for why will you die.”

        Thanks for your reply, but please remember what Jesus said . . .
        “No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day.” (John 6:44) Clearly, if the Father is drawing someone, I have no power to push them away!

      • Allow God to wash you in his word, beloved know that God is with you. God says, that he will perfect those things that you concern. Have faith that the Lord will see you through! God Bless!

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  17. Thank you very much for that article.the word of God is powerful and true.As I pray for myself.You pray for me to.That I get it right.Amen

  18. I am struggling with this right now. i have made my mistakes and i decided to stay pure but its so hard. i keep turning good men away all for God but instead of growing, i am feeling weaker. at the moment, i am planning to tell an adorable man that we can’t be together anymore coz of my sexual stand. my body doesn’t want to do it because of i don’t want to lose him but i know i must. i need grace to do it.

    • It’s a constant struggle, but be encouraged. I’ve been with the love of my life for the last 5 years. We’ve compromised, but I have kept my virginity. I sucks because I love him and the temptation became so strong that I would feel horrible inside. We eventually decided to work on our friendship and act like friends also. We don’t kiss (only on rare special occasions), we don’t spend the night together. We hang out in public or at my parent’s home. It’s been a year with this and within that year we got engaged. We’ve been a year post engagement and our wedding is in 6 months. The temptation lessens as you put God first, then your friendship next. Stay strong. Be honest. The right man will wait for himself as well. It’s not easy, but worth it.

    • Be strong girl!I I just left someone for the same reason! It’s hard but you have to think about your relationship with God. It all boils down to who do you love more, God or the guy leading you to sin which will eventually lead you away from God. For it is so true that you cannot serve two masters. You will hate or resent your relationship with God and love the feeling in your flesh that the guy gives you. At the end of the day, if you stay strong, you will realize that the guy really doesn’t love you or respect you for he is making you choose between him and your precious relationship with God. When it comes down to that, the guy is not worth it for he’s trying to measure up and put himself above God! Be careful and I will pray for you!

  19. You must preach the gospel to yourself continually. You have no ability within your flesh to overcome sin. That is what Christ accomplished on the cross. He defeated sin and death. Repent and believe the gospel! (Mark 1:15)

    Philippians 2:12-13
    12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for IT IS GOD WHO WORKS IN YOU, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

    Romans 7:14-25
    14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 FOR I KNOW THAT NOTHING GOOD DWELLS WITHIN ME, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

    21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! WHO WILL DELIVER ME FROM THIS BODY OF DEATH? 25 THANKS BE TO GOD THROUGH JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

    You would do well to heed the Apostle Paul’s instruction . . .
    1 Corinthians 7:8-9
    8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

    Someone accused me of being in danger of pushing others away from God. Please know that my desire is to adhere to the instruction of Jude 23 which says, “save others by snatching them out of the fire; to others show mercy with fear, hating even the garment stained by the flesh.” I’m now 40+ looking back at the mistakes and sinful lusts of my youth. I truly wish that someone had spoken the truth of God’s Holy Word to me in a pointed and blunt way. My desire is that in my doing so to you, God might use it to glorify Himself by delivering you, and that you would obey John’s instruction: “15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. 17 And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.” (1 John 2:15-17)

  20. I believe if Jacob waited 14 years for Rachel, why can’t we wait until Marriage.I am a 30 year old virgin and Christian. I am a Preacher’s daughter as well. Yes, I was taught to wait until I am married by the Church. But it was more like Hell and Brimstone if I even think about a boy. But I wasn’t the regular preacher’s daughter. I love God and wanted to do right by him. It wasn’t easy abstaining, because the temptation came in like a flood AND I am not an ugly female. Yet, I had a standard, I held that standard from school to career. Like I said, It was not easy. But I believe if God will keep me protected, then I will keep myself in his will. But the good thing is, I have met guys who willing to wait until marriage. These guys were far from being a vrigin. But they respected my values. I have the one guy for me and I am Glad that he has the opportunity share something sacred.

  21. I am a 30 year old virgin and Christian. I am a Preacher’s daughter as well. Yes, I was taught to wait until I am married by the Church. But it was more like Hell and Brimstone if I even think about a boy. But I wasn’t the regular preacher’s daughter. I love God and wanted to do right by him. It wasn’t easy abstaining, because the temptation came in like a flood AND I am not an ugly female. Yet, I had a standard, I held that standard from school to career. Like I said, It was not easy. But I believe if God will keep me protected, then I will keep myself in his will. But the good thing is, I have met guys who willing to wait until marriage. These guys were far from being a vrigin. But they respected my values. I have the one guy for me and I am Glad that he has the opportunity share something sacred.

  22. I know I have failed God in many ways, but is time to do things right and I’m willing to do anything to reach the purpose that God has for my life. I have made and agreement with my girlfriend and like I told her “our best weapon is the bible”. I’m glad I found this page which leaded me to verses from the bible which related to my topic. Thank you all for the encouragement, and if I could get more advice I’ll be more than happy to take it. I’m in a journey and in the name of Jesus I will achieve it(it is God who works in me)…

  23. While I wholeheartedly agree with your statement that the Church is going about preaching abstinence in all the wrong ways, who is to say that preaching it is a good thing at all? Certainly for some people, it is the right choice. But telling kids that they will without a doubt go to Hell if they have premarital sex is abhorrent. I am not religious; I don’t go to Church on a regular basis. But my parents brought me up with the loose views of a sometimes-Episcopalian, so I have a rudimentary idea of what God’s will entails. Being a high school student, I find it difficult to believe that every single person of faith will deny their sexual urges. Hormones are going on a wild rampage in every single high school across America (and around the world), and for some people I believe it is the right choice to explore their sexuality. While we all have the option to abstain, not everyone wishes to do so; God is condemning his children by forcing them to make a choice and encouraging against the growing feelings that, perhaps to some, are unholy. Sexuality is not a trait humans should fear; it is something we are born with, something to treasure as one of the characteristics God Himself projected onto our beings.

  24. Abstinence, from how I’ve ever heard it discussed was always from a standpoint of fear: Avoid disease. Avoid feeling emotionally used or abused if you give yourself away and your love or lust is not reciprocated. Avoid unwanted pregnancy. Avoid being labeled or scrutinized by society or your brothers & sisters in Christ. Avoid disappointing God. What’s the word for the young man or woman who has abstained…through their 20s and even 30s and beyond for lack of meeting someone they feel strongly enough about to share sex with(let alone being viewed as ‘weird’). How can we HOPE? See sex as a gift of knowing another person at the highest intimate level. Consider that God is not trying to spoil our fun…He just loves us enough to want us in the best circumstances for sex(i.e. marriage).

  25. Society needs to change their stereotypes and views/preconceived notions about “virgins”. Virgins are not an inferior race of pocket-protector-wearing, non-insightful fools. Virgins are not all naive or sexually unaware. Virgins are fashion models, attorneys, car detailers, surfers, students, etc. Virgins are out there and the hot guy or girl standing next to you in the grocery line just may be a virgin…but a functioning part of society all the same…with the same emotions, fears, hobbies, etc. as the non-virgin. Recognize.

  26. This is my first time visiting this site. :) it’s cool….

    This is a stirring subject….

    Without God, I think I would be still sexually active, looking for love in all the wrong places..sexuality has a deep abusive root in my heart planted from my childhood, and I think God is using it to strengthen me now, to get me to depend on him in every way..

    So, why are unmarried Christians having sex? I feel like this article is saying b/c generations aren’t educated, prepared… enough spiritually, emotionally and maybe even mentally to really abstain.

    I am an unmarried 24 year old woman, I have been faithful and faithless to God for 4 years. I have had to re-learn so many basics…and I am struggling even now…that’s what brought me to this article..I’m just looking for an answer that will complete me that I don’t yet trust that God can answer.

    in my heart, i know sex before marriage isn’t right..ONE b/c its not the way God planned it..but He won’t control us and he believes in US in our strength, in our growth, in our minds, and so I take a mental stance on this question….and TWO b/c i have enough experience to know I could have done and CAN DO better to protect and celebrate my purity in Christ and I will teach my children one day the truth about it..

    sex before marriage is sin..and Paul describes the mental challenge and effects that sin has on us Romans 7:
    15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

    21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

    I feel like some unmarried christian couples are like this…they dont want to do it, but they do it anyway….they lose themselves, who they truly are…we, humans must accept our weakness and our strengths because we are both sin and spirit in the same body..and we battle everyday… then we can make improvements…anywayyss….

    ..I was active before coming to make a life changing decision to have a rel. with God…and man, does the ache in my heart cry sometimes now after 4 years of no physical anything..well I was in a relationship with another Christian but that went south b/c we were SO not ready to handle the pressure…..so I feel like one day if I don’t get a hold of Jesus…I will be this “unmarried woman having sex outside of marriage”…this could become my life…

    and so Author well written..and I would love for a follow up with more research, practicals..

    Paul said, it is better to marry than to burn with passion..so it’s either let Go and God prepare me to a good woman for marriage, and be in my Bible…than to get burned doing something I know shouldnt do just cuz I want to…Be Blessed everyone.

  27. Thank you for this article, however, I do believe it leaves a lot in the air. The point made by some, that people used to get married a lot earlier is definitely something to focus on here. The fact that people married at such young ages begs the question “were those marriages consensual?”, and in many cases throughout biblical times, they probably were not. Therefore, I propose that a modern Christian: educated in a secular setting, knowledgeable about biology, in agreement with women’s rights; should be asking themselves a set of very important questions. What is marriage? When do I enter into the bonds of marriage with my life partner? If marriage is something holy and recognized by God himself, why do we require a legally appointed person to make marriage legitimate? Perhaps, the definition of marriage must be changed, not with respect to God, but with respect to other people. I do believe that this, along with further conversation between Christians about sexuality will help ease the pain and prevent people from failing to remain within the realm of their morality. Furthermore, we must all remember that God is merciful and forgiving. Remember, that king David of the Old Testament had multiple wives….which turned out not to be enough when his eyes befell Bathsheba, however, modern Christians revere him as a great example of Godliness. Therefore, we must remember God’s unending mercy, which is definitely showing itself in the comment section of this article.

    I hope my comment will spur thinking but not criticism and that each and everyone of you who read it is blessed. Have a great day, and remember to be joyful in the Lord!

    • my friend the difference between your thoughts on morality and God’s moral law is that God’s moral law doesn’t change as He changes not, you have used David as an example but what you don’t understand is that David had a repenting heart, was sincere and humble but know that God did not and never has rewarded sinful behaviour anywhere in the scriptures. my friend God will always forgive a truly sincere humble repenting heart, if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I see many comments here and the majority of who are believers trying to justify themselves in their lustful and prideful ways but know the wages of sin is death, eternal separation from God. WE ALL WILL FACE TEMPTATION AND TRIALS BUT WHEN WE DO WRONG /COMMIT SIN WE MUST REPENT. BE NOT CONFORMED TO THIS WORLD, SEEK THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD. ASK THE LORD TO STRENGHTEN YOUR FAITH THAT IT FAILS YOU NOT. If we think we can deceive God be disobedient to His Holy Word & at the same time pretend we are blameless because God made us with all these emotions, then know you are DECEIVED because we all have the free moral will to make the right decisions and God searches our hearts not the outward appearance we show to each other. Remember what the Pharisees did, they accused Jesus of casting out demons by the power of Satan, so when we try to blame our sinful behaviour on Jesus/God saying He made us this way, as believers we are treading on dangerous ground very close to blasphemy.LET HIM WHO HAS AN EAR, LET HIM HEAR. Be blessed.

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  29. I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with two people in a monogamous relationship to have sex as long as it’t safe and loving. It doesn’t make any sense to me, as a Christian, not to have sex when sex is natural, healthy and beneficial in so many other ways. Moreover, the term fornication has been mistranslated and abused for too long.

    • Yes, I agree with the loss of translation. I am struggling to find a solid basis to the complete abstinence of sex before marriage in the Bible. Fornication is an entirely different animal. Furthermore, self condemnation about premarital sex can lead to the breaking off of healthy Christian relationships even between engaged couples that leads to break ups that are as painful as divorces. This should be avoided not brought upon by the strict moral stance on this topic.

  30. I was engaged and had her break it off after abstaining my whole life. I was a virgin at 40. All my friends were married. I saw the 40 year old virgin movie and I was tired of being laughed at. I caved after running a good race and was freaked I may have got the girl pregnant on my first time. She took the morning after pill. Not cool. its so lonely that you lose either way. you lose by being faithful and potentially you lose a lot more.

    our society is not structured for the good of marriage and the church doesn’t have the guts to solve the problem. It doesn’t have the guts! to re-orient itself in a counter cultural way. Its much easier just the lay all the burden on the individual. When has the church ever been strong with an individual fighting in isolation? Going up against porn? going up against your own flesh? revealing clothes and sex 24/7 all over everywhere.

    Here is what would work: The church living in community and financially empowering people to marry and start families at a biologically responsible age. Does anyone think that sending young men at the height of their horniness to a four year college with women at the height of their beauty and away from family and church support makes any sense? No! but you wait. And then you need a career that pays a good salary to afford a family. Ao you wait! and then you look around and maybe you don’t run into anybody that you click with so you wait some more!

    And then some of the sisters marry a non-Christian guy because they don’t understand why the guys are so passive. We weren’t taught to channel the energy and honestly the energy only want one channel!

    at my age most of the single women are divorced and don’t have the same standards. many were virgins when they were married but are quietly taking care of their needs.

    The church is unwilling to deviate from the pattern of the culture so the only hope is to find others close by who are fighting the good fight. God Bless you. I am rejoining you on the the straight and narrow. I don’t feel guilty at all except that I compromised when their were others still some fighting on like I used to.

  31. I also want to ask one more thing. Women are tired of being told to dress modestly. they want to express their sexuality in their clothes. They feel so entitled to their fashion that they don’t care about guys trying to keep their eyes and hearts pure.

    But they don’t get to have sex so they express it that way. I know one virgin who rails against modesty. she has lost her figure and encourages younger girls to flaunt it while they have it.

    I have started to see her point about needing to express their sexuality in some other way than sex. Seems legit but hurtful. I wonder what the ladies think about modesty.

    Another thing that is difficult is that we are supposed to be brothers and sisters in every other way but that doesn’t work for dating. Its competitive. It doesn’t fit the Christian framework at all. thpoughts?

    • So many well-thought-out points are brought up here.

    • Dave –
      I commented earlier on this article with my own views on sexuality today. So here are some thoughts: I, being an 18-year-old almost-college-student have been undergoing some pretty drastic changes, both mentally and physically. While high school is indeed a petri dish for breeding unholy behavior, I wholeheartedly believe that my fellow classmates and I are simply keeping up with the times. As you said, society today is not exactly indicative of a pure community. It is practically enabling unholy activity. But who’s to say that that is a bad thing, necessarily? Perhaps God’s will must evolve along with society. In such a fickle time, with such fickle ideas and paradigms, one must wonder if God does in fact wish us to dwell in the past. I apologize, as I know my views are pretty liberal and not very sensitive, but I feel I must bring up this possibility to what seems like a very progressive community here at Urban Faith.
      Katie Taylor

      • He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a human being, that he should change his mind.” (1 Samuel 15:29 NIV)
        God doesn’t change. Marriage is a picture of the covenant Christ made with the Church. If you believe God changes with the times, you have made your own god and your own word. Christ didn’t promise it would be easy. He said to them all, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and pick up his cross daily and follow me. Anyone who wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” Luke 9:23-24 Please don’t be deceived, Katie. God is worthy of and demands obedience from all who would call on His name. Jesus paid a high cost so that some could be saved. True saving faith requires a person to agree with God about their sin and turn from it and trust Christ for forgiveness (and the power to obey Him). If we love Him, we obey. Everyone stumbles all the time, in some ways, but Christians can’t be content to stay in a sin habit. Is your faith true? Read 1 John and pray about it. It’s so important to not be one of the many to whom Jesus will say, “Depart from me. I never knew you.” Find Christian women who can encourage you and rebuke/correct/teach you, like the Bible talks about in Titus 2. Pray and see God provide.

    • @ Dave who said, “that they [women] don’t care about guys trying to keep their eyes and hearts pure.”

      Dave, it is not the female gender’s responsibility to keep your “eyes and heart pure.” It’s your responsibility to control your behavior and thought life.

      By the way, Dave, a lot of women, and this includes Christian women, are turned on by shirtless, hot, and sexy buff muscular men, but you very rarely see or hear male preachers telling men to “cover up” and to “dress modestly” or see women asking them to dress modestly.

      And, a woman can be wearing a potato sack and no make up and some man out there will still find her sexy and appealing. The whole modesty thing is so subjective, what one man finds un-sexy another man would consider sexy – so women can never win no matter how they dress.

  32. I plan on waiting for marriage.Reading devotional books helps me. I read the book called every young womans battle,they also have one for men and young men as well. We need to discuss sex in a way that isn’t putting fear into someone to stay pure , we need to be open and honest about it.One of the reasons i think more ppl are having sex before marriage is because ppl are getting married later in life.In our parents time ppl would get married at 18, 19, or in their 20’s, now ppl marry in their 30’s on up.Its hard staying pure when its that long of a time.
    Women do need to dress modestly because for men its hard to have pure thoughts when a woman dresses provacatively.Some women will say well that’s not my problem they think that way. I say you wouldn’t like it if a man played with your emotions.If someone has a weakness you shouldn’t exploit it but try to be understanding and ask how can i help. Mens weakness has always been women and money. womens weakness has been looking for attention and love in the wrong places.We should help each other to remain pure instead of trying to manipulate each other.

  33. We need to discuss sex in a way that doesn’t glorify it like movies do, but also not in a way that makes it seem horrible.I see shows where ppl wait til marriage and then they can’t have sex on their wedding night because of anxiety.From childhood they were told sex was bad and to wait,without any explanation as to why they should wait.waiting should be a choice not something you are guilted into doing.Which is why we see alot of ppl with purity rings but aren’t actually virgins. We need to find a balance between the two.Have an open discussion where the teens and young adults can ask questions about sex,and not feel ashamed.At the same time tell them why it is best to wait for marriage and let them decide.Parents also need to lead by example as well,some parents will tell their kids to be virgins when they themselves didn’t wait.Its good to learn from the older generation on what to do and not repeat their mistakes,but we also need a good example to follow.

  34. When I was 27 I ended a life of permiscuous sex. I got closer to God and concentrated on our relationship and eventually answered my call to ministry. I went to seminary only to find that I was considered “too holy” because of my understanding of the scripture. It was open season at this place where people were studying to become leaders in various churches. I was taken aback, but I didn’t break. I missed that kind of intimacy a great deal. Well, fast forward to 38. I met a man that made my toes curl. I was too afraid to let him hold my hand. After several months I gave in to his aggression. I made a lot of mistakes and ended up suffering a heartbreak I cannot describe. All I knew is that this cannot happen again. But it has. I don’t want to be in this position and I guess I am the only person who can read the word and get aroused simultaneously. My point is this is what I want to talk about and the reason I need to talk about it. I know this not as God has planned it and I am sure that in a perfect world He didn’t plan for me to be 46, no children, no husband, and having to figure most of this out as I go because the Church told me to just pray about…..And trust me, I do! I want to holy and acceptable unto God because that is my reasonable service. Instead I find myself trying to figure a way out. Thanks for letting me vent and don’t worry God is working on me. I searched out the article on this subject.

    • It seems like you’re denying yourself of your want and focusing on God (hence why you went to ministry?) If what you want is “pure”, then what you’re doing is dishonest. I don’t think God wants us to submit to him like a robot forfeiting our natural needs. It’s clear that you value sex, marriage and kids. Embrace that first or ask God to guide you to fulfill it. Your ministry will shine as a result of that personal fulfillment. The whole purpose of being in flesh here on earth is to NOT only to work for God but to work on ourselves, to seek him and ask him to fulfill our needs. I’m a man and praying for a good christian girl. And taking initiative by asking them on dates. instead of sitting around idly and hoping for the best in the name “self-denial.” Self-denial bible talks about is if we have addictions like gambling or alcholism. If you love sex, like I do, no need to deny yourself. Just ask him to give it to you in the context of marriage. Help him out too by being proactive.

  35. True, it is easier to digest “not yet” than “no.” Though that didn’t guide my actions the other day, even though those words guided my actions the other times. I lost my virginity while not being a Christian, then struggled with my sexuality after committing my life to Christ a couple years ago. Only recently have I been battling hard against it (the past 9 months), which had its ups-and-downs, triumphs and failures. Failure as in masturbation. Until the other day I had sex. I realize what the Bible says about remembering where you’ve been, repent, and return to the Lord. Yet my desire to have sex again has captured my heart more than my devotion and love for God. Currently I am struggling, and am prideful to hold onto it, and hold onto my passions. Though going to God is the only way out of the place I am in. ** Thank you Chanel.

    • Not in any way am I trying to attack you or raise conflict, but just out of curiosity, what specific verse(s) are you using to call your masturbation a “failure”?

  36. Don’t ever be deceived – for every one Christian you know who is single but has decided to compromise sexually, there are ‘7000’ others who are single and still living clean. The latter group are a rising majority. #grace.

  37. I want to say thanks to love spell temple for everything so far. To everyone who doesn’t believe in spell, I was one of those ones at first. I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to do this since I’ve tried others so-called spells casters and they did not work and was a waste of my time and money. However, when I read through the testimonials of other people at this website and after I talked to Dr Akhigbe who answered all my questions and was very nice about everything, I decided to give it a try. I figured it would be my last try to get my guy back. So my story is that I was at my office when the guy I am in love with told me that he wasn’t in love with me and never will be and that he didn’t want to speak or see me again, especially since he was talking to this other girl. When I talked to Dr Akhigbe, he let me know which spells would be most appropriate for me and I chose the ones that was to get him back to me and stay with me and want to marry me. As soon as he started on the spells, my guy came back into my life! It was a miracle to me and I’m so thankful for that. Things have been going well, and pretty much according to what Dr Akhigbe the spell is done. I’m still waiting for the spells to completely manifest, but with all that has happened so far I’m very happy because given only four months ago in March, if you asked me or my friends if I would have anticipated how things were right now…no one would believe it! Lara. To contact him lovespelltemple@yahoo.com

  38. i think waiting till marrigage is outdated. my first wife and i had sex all thru college were we met.
    we did get married about a year later. have a great daughter as the result.
    ive had a few married women come on to me and just avoid the subject although i know what they want. i got a pretty good offer for when ever i want sex but havent taken it up because of my medical condtions which really stifles my life
    i cant see any harm in people having sex before marriage.
    my second wife got to the point she was too busy with friends and partying to spend time with me so i got divorced but the damage was done. id been ignored so long i was totally cool with being alone. i got alot of hobbies
    anymore it seems ya ask somebody to go do something with you theyre full of excuses so i just go myself. i also had a friend of mine give me this phone number and told me to “just go over there” . i thought that was funny. anyway its amazing the number of people giving me info about women around here. ive found out that ive had the best luck finding someone when im not looking. im doing this zoosk thing and am gonna drop it the next time it comes up for renewal, same women been on here for 7 months with a few news ones. the. im really pretty compfortable by myself and wonder why i would want to go back into a relationship . ive been in two long term releatonships in my life 5 years and 15 years so i think ive given it enought of a chance . good luck to those who chose that path. its just not for me at this point

    • I couldn’t even finish this comment. You can’t prove that your way is right if you got married and then divorced like right after. I realize you are now depressed and alone, it just makes me not want to do what you did.
      Personally my parents waited and are 32 years strong, but i don’t have a definitive opinion on the matter.

  39. I really enjoyed the article and loved the comments on this subject. I am recently abstinante. I am 40 plus and was in a relationship for 6 years. In the comments it seems that there are similarities 40 plus, single, with no kids, never married, and abstinanting. Is there a christian dating website out there to bring us together? I am glade to know that there are people out there that fill the same way I do about sustaining until that person that God has chosen for me is out there. There area that I live in guys and girls make it seem that it is an old way of think and it is 2013 no one will be accepting of it. The church that I go to is filled with women and couples. People have suggested that I find another church with more options however I have found that the mega churches that are in this area are Peyton Places.

  40. I really enjoyed this article Ms.Chanel Graham, as a Minister and Proud Virgin this is an issue I believe we need to address a lot more. #ProudVirginMovement

  41. What’s Taking place i am new to this, I stumbled upon this I have found It absolutely helpful and it has aided me out loads. I am hoping to give a contribution & aid different users like its helped me. Great job.

  42. Y’know, I’ve been hearing this tripe all of my life. First as a Catholic growing up, later as a fundie/pentecostal. The american church culture is almost psychotic in its obsession with sexual “purity”. Enough!! The God that holds the infinite vastness of the cosmos in place seemingly has one thing on his mind….human genetalia and weather or not its owner paid a $75 fee to an unbelieving county clerk for a ‘license’ from the almighty state. By that same logic, a person cannot be a christian without a baptismal certificate. Abstinence was not an issue in OT times because marriages were more often than not, a business deal between families; and make no miistake: girls, women were considered PROPERTY. To force abstinence on mature or middle aged adults under threat of damnation is sadistic and cruel. In addition, it is unhealthy. One dirty little secret you won’t hear from a pulpit (much like the exploits of the book of Judges and others) is that men, such as Catholic priests, who remain celibate and refrain from self pleasure have more than TWICE the rate of prostate cancer as the rest of the male population. This is a medical fact. Celibate women also develop problems in later life that I won’t go into detail here. Me, I,m 59 and still virile. My girlfriend is 52. We met a bible study and fellin love

  43. (Cont’d from previous post) …..and began a relationship. We are commited and 110% exclusive. We do not live together. We go to bible study once a week. I attend chuch alone (she works all day Sundays). Friday nights are play nights and man do we have fun. Shocking isn’t it! Most free men in Christ are!! Cheers!